I was going to post 30 reasons why today sucks for me but I figured I would hold off and post these 30 instead.
1) One of the best feelings in the world is emptying your pockets in the evening, and knowing you can leave all the junk there until the next day.
2) Those who have guinea pigs never have to throw out any vegetables.
3) If you wear a silly hat, everyone knows who you are.
4) No one likes a smart ass
4') Especially another smart ass.
4") Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.
5) Arguing with a zealot is only slightly easier than tunneling through a mountain with your forehead.
6) Anyone capable of getting themselves elected president has shown that they should not be allowed to do the job. (Apologies to Douglas Adams)
7) Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. (Isaac Asmiov)
8) Right, because usually the competent don't wait that long. (Jerry Pournelle)
9) Once is chance, twice is a coincidence, three times is an enemy action. (Ian Fleming, Goldfinger)
10) Never turn your back on a charging turtle.
11) Never get in a spitting contest with a llama.
12) Projectile vomiting rarely gets you a return invitation anywhere.
13) Never throw toilet paper on a bear.
14) Hyenas laugh because they know what's coming next.
15) Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot more fun than it sounds.
15') Shooting yourself in the foot is actually a lot less fun than nearly anything else.
16) Calling your mother and pretending to be an encyclopedia salesman doesn't go over too well.
17) The prime motivation for all human behavior is the need to feel superior to someone else.
18) He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.
19) Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
20) The words "My" "Rash" "See" and "Wanna" don't go well together in a sentence.
21a) When given a choice, people will always do the dumbest thing under the circumstances.
21b) The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.
21c) Therefore: The larger the number of people, the stupider the resultant decisions and actions (congress anyone?)
22) Never ever go first.
23) When being stalked by an angry mob with raspberries, the first thing to do is to release a tiger. (Monty Python)
24) Rain on your wedding day is NOT ironic unless you're made of sugar.
25) Never take yourself too seriously, and mock those who do.
25') Also be sure to mock people who take themselves too seriously.
25") Those who never take anything too seriously have a distinct advantage over those who do.
26) The more you understand, the crazier you get.
27) Bad losers make worse winners.
28) The quickest way to make someone ignore you is to start a sentence with "You should ..."
29) People who habitually give advice are the worst people to take advice from.
30) If you insist on getting your way often enough, pretty soon you won't have to argue with anyone about it anymore.